Things I Treasure...

Life is full of twists and turns, ups and downs...

As this holiday season passed, I realized it's been a very long time (over a year) since I've visited or written here. I love to write. I love to share. I just... put it off. With all the things running through my head at one time, it made it very difficult, and I just wasn't sure what to write anymore. But... looking around my house, at Christmas... all the magic that is still up and surrounding me, I was wondrous at myself for not being sure I put more time into things I treasure.

I treasure my family. I was definitely sad this season, and it didn't seem like the season at all because things were missing. And I say "things" because, well... they are tiny little details that maybe no one else would notice. Yep! I'm that ocd... First of all, this holiday season, we got our tree. The most gorgeous tree I've ever had in any place I've ever lived. I'm totally keeping it for next year, too! But... the only child of mine that actually put their "special" ornaments on the tree was the only one left living here. Every time I looked at the lonely bags of ornaments with the kids' names on them... tears welled up in my eyes. Even now... I cannot look at them without feeling the burn of tears.

Then again... all of our living children were here on Christmas morning. We haven't had that in YEARS. It was a wonderful feeling.

Darkness crept in slowly, as I waited at another family member's house. The rest of my immediate family (siblings from one parent) would be there or arrive whenever they felt like. One arrived not too long after us and that family came from over an hour away and appeared jovial. The other arrived several hours after the last... 6 hours after my group arrived. So sad. Disrespectful to the rest of us, as we were told that group would be there 4-5 hours prior. Two of my children had to leave. They had jobs and/or other Christmas family events to go to. Understandably... since all but one of my children are all adults and have other families and responsibilities.

There is always a little static with my other siblings... and this year did not disappoint...


*** and then it all changed ***

I spoke to a couple of people I'd expected to see at sometime during my break [from work]. My problems, my woes, my sadness - is NOTHING compared to what my dear friends are going through. No one had wanted to tell me. And so for that, as I sit here and plug this post in before the first day of the year is over in my time zone, people! Don't get your panties in a bunch and call me out on my lack of time-keeping skills! (in keeping with my non-resolution that's actually a resolution...) I am totally going to try to be a better listener but dang it! I'd totally thought I was!!! and definitely make myself more available for others. On that... I know I haven't been.

Wanna know my other "New Year, Better Me!" ideas? Here ya go:

1. Be a better listener.
2. Be more available, or at least present myself as more available!
3. If I do not complete a project, I'll be sure to put it on my calendar for a later date! and hopefully finish it by the end of the year
4. Read more.
5  Keep up with using items in my freezer... no need to be a hoarder elsewhere, right?
6. Try my hardest to write more!
7. Try to get that craftroom cleaned up at least a little bit!
8. Keep my super organized ways in gift-buying, organizing, and giving! truly... I'm really good at this one! Ask me about my gift journal!
9. Keep a menu or at least try to stick to it a couple of days a week
10. Let things slide off my back a little better. I shouldn't have to carry the weight for everyone.

What are YOU going to do?

*** oh yeah... SQUIRREL! ***

Back to the original title of the post... Things I Treasure...

1. Family (my pets are included in this!)
2. Friends (includes all of you!)
3. Loyalty
4. Me time
5. anything I can think of later, because I'm at a total blank space right now

I truly hope to see you all again for sharing... Who knows what it might be!

Exploring Family History Blog Hop

Welcome to the Exploring Family History blog hop.  We are creating crafts related to our family history.  Most of us would agree when began paper crafting to create a historical record of our and for our families.  Of course, we love to get inky and sticky while doing it so let's dig into our crafty family history projects.

But first, we would like to say a HUGE THANKS to our sponsor today.

Theresa is giving away a $20 Stampin' Up Gift Certificate to one lucky winner
AND take 10% off any order placed through her (not available on website) by October 31th. 

Email her at scrapsbygracie@gmail.com with your order. 

All you have to do to win this fabulous prize is comment on each of the blogs.

That's it! It really is easy.  

Of course, we would love it if you became a follower too. 

Comment buttons can be found at the bottom of the post (on most of the blogs).

Now on with the hop!

 

When Theresa first put this hop out there, I thought... "Self... [yes, that's what I call myself... 'Self.'] You really do need to create a "family" album, giving out our history." And my other self (yes, I do have more than one... don't you?) told the other one to go fly a kite, in not such nice terminology. But, I decided to go against Hyde the one self and begin one anyway.

 

I found this really great cut through Design Studio... And began cutting.

As always because it's me... I ran into several little tears snags. And I worked through them. Yay me!

I've briefly shown you (through the pictures) all the I did to overcome them...

However, some of my efforts made the original flaws worse failed...

So I had to fix those, too!

And yep... here after the gluing, I used my handy-dandy brayer, an old Cricut mat overlay, and brayered those babies leaves/cuts down into the glue and onto the cardstock.

And here ya have it! Don't ya just love what it says??? It's meant to be the "title" page in my upcoming book Family Album, but now that it's done and looks all cool and all that... I just might put it up on my wall, instead... Hmmm...

Next up is the fabulous Card A Day Design Challenge Team! And in case you missed anyone, or want to go back to get more [her]story... Here's today's lineup:

Alicia - http://goldengoddessdesigns.blogspot.com/
Sue - http://suek86401.blogspot.com/...
Holli - http://sunflowerholli.blogspot.com/
Lisa - http://lisaslittlerascals.blogspot.com/
CADC - http://cardadaychallenge.blogspot.com/
Theresa - http://scrapsbygracie.blogspot.com/

Writer's Workshop: Make "last" Last.

4. Write a blog post inspired by the word: last.

At this time last year, we had our family reunion. My husband's side. Lots and lots of people. Our son (my stepson... but that doesn't matter) was there.

He didn't bring his girlfriend... She didn't want to come. We'd never met her. She felt that it was too big of a step. That in her "culture" (she was Vietnamese), it was a huge deal to meet parents. Forget the fact that our son was LIVING with her and HER SON was calling him "Dad" and had even given him a Father's Day card. So... he sat in his chair. For most of the day. His cell phone on his ear. Arguing with her about what he did wrong this time. He was so occupied with her. It was really sad. He said goodbye to us all and told us he loved us. And then he left.

Little did we know.

It was the last time we saw him alive and talking. It was his last good bye.  It was his last, "I love you."

Less than a week later, he swallowed his last cocktail. It was a corrosive. It gave him his last breath on his own.

And less than a week after that horrible day, he took his last breath on a ventilator. We said our last good bye.

RIP - Jr. I know this was one of your proudest moments.
We love you and this of you every day.

Please visit Mama Kat and check out other posts. There were lots of prompts to choose from, and much happier ones, too. I'll post another tomorrow that's more upbeat... but this is where my mind was today. Sorry for the bummer...

MamaKat's Losin' It - Writing Prompt: 3. If the way you spent your New Year’s Eve is any indication of how the rest of the year will go, how would you say your future is looking right about now?

Wow. That is... A mouthful of a topic...

We don't usually have a party on NYE. We usually sit at home, have a meal (maybe In-N-Out), have a couple of drinks, casually watch the countdown and the performers on Dick Clark's Rockin' Eve, cheer, and go to bed... all in between snoozing (yes... I feel like I'm "old" sometimes...)

This year was different.

Quickie recap of 2014... We ended 2013 with the premature death of our beloved family dog, the day before NYE. 2014 was a bad, bad year. We went through a lot. Between allegations of "me" making my work environment "hostile" to death after death after death... I have never been to so many funerals or memorials in my life, all of the years put together. And we are fairly young. We are in our 40's. I won't dwell on this today.

This year IS different. We decided to have a "2014 was a Shitty Year Party And Let's Kick it to the Curb!" (There were many more expletives put in there when we "named" it, but that's the gist of it.

And so we did. We had some family and friends over. I made food. I did some frozen appetizers (which my husband wanted... he wanted the easy stuff. Go figure.). I handmade some other appetizers. And we drank, but not too much (nobody was wasted...). And we visited. And we sang. And we boogied our butts off.

Placing a Rose on the Donor Float at the Rose Parade -
What a WONDERFUL Experience

It was 1980's Old School in da house! (My husband's brother is a DJ, so the walls were vibrating...) We weren't forgetting all those we love that are now gone. We were living FOR them. We danced and laughed and waited for 2015 to arrive in our own time zone.

All of my husband's siblings were here. and... it was "nice". There was NO drama which is a frickin' miracle or fighting. It was just a good group of people together. Hoping. Wishing. Praying. For a better year.

OMG! It snowed in our little city (This was NYE morning)... It NEVER snows (and sticks...)

So, all in all... my NYE was pretty darn good. My future? This will be a GREAT year! I am determined. We are determined. This is really truly going to be a great frickin' year!

No filter. Just HOPE.

*Undernote because it's not really on the side, is it? : I'm really just trying to get back into the swing of things. Write more. Craft more. Do more, like I used to. And this... is one more step to it.

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If you would like to read more or join in the Writer's Workshop at Mama's Losin' It, please feel free to click on the link and enter in. The more the merrier... Be sure to leave some comment love for everyone you visit. And thank you!

MamaKat's Losin' It - Writing Prompt: 2) 7 best ways to spend WinterBreak

I can think of so many things to do during Winter Break! But here are the 7 BEST!

7) Grab everyone and go for a car ride. Hot chocolate in a thermos, gloves and blankets bundling up each of us, windows rolled down, singing Christmas Carols, and viewing all of the glorious lights. This is truly a magical time. And with all of the twinkling lights and positivity around, everyone can put aside the horrors of the world for just a bit and enjoy all the season has to offer.

6) Pay it forward. It's always nice to have someone random do something for you. It makes you remember there IS good in the world. Be that person. Random acts of kindness performed for others will make YOU feel good, too! Coming out of the grocery store, you see someone struggling to load the car? Stop, offer to help... but be sincere when you do it. Did you just get a $5 rebate/gift card at Target on a special deal? After checking out, hand it to the person behind you. And wish them a Merry Christmas (or a Happy New Year!). Kindness gives us a special warm spot.

5) Watch holiday movies. Loving that hot chocolate (and popcorn this time, too!). Cuddle up on the couch with your kiddos (furbabies, too!) and enjoy the holiday romance movies that are all over the tv. Don't have tv? Watch them on the computer... Hallmark or Lifetime offer many of their movies online, as well. Holiday movies are always a feel-good thing for us. I record them on the DVR and watch them throughout the break.

4) Decorate! Enough said... What you didn't get a chance to do before the break... just add a little sparkle here and there... It makes it all the more magical.

3) Bake. Bake. Bake. Not just for your holiday guests or holidays potlucks. Of course, the traditional cookies, cakes, pies, candy, breads and such... but bake a little bit extra for someone you know is over-loaded. They're sure to appreciate the treat. And bake for yourself. Make and freeze just a little extra (label it, of course!) for that day when you need a touch of Christmas, and a cookie warmed up will bring it all back to you.

2) Play catch up. The year is almost at an end... There is always so much to do. And if you're a tv junkie like me, you need the breather (when they only play re-runs). So, utilize that time to catch up on other things. Clean up that closet; go through and donate items. Catch up on your email. Read the latest (and the past things) on your favorite blogs... There are so many things to do! Catch up on them.

1) Spend quality time with your family and friends, cherishing every moment. I'm pretty sure this one is self explanatory. But... in case it isn't... PUT DOWN THAT PHONE! Only take it out for group photos. Forget the selfies unless you are making them groupies. Don't text or check your email. Don't update your status on Facebook or post to Twitter or Instagram. Just enjoy the company surrounding you. Brush up on your social skills and partake in the conversation around you. Play a family-type game (Cards Against Humanity is a hilarious game to play in a group setting... but not advisable for under age 17...). Laugh so hard you cry. Remember those you love. Try a new food together and discuss it. Don't just unwrap those gifts and set them aside. Relish the thought that went into it. Most of all... Make the most out of the time you have.

There are many other wonderful ways to spend the Winter Break... but these are the things that mean the most to me. It makes my Winter Breaks so much more lively and full of sparkle. I hope you can take one or more of them, even beyond Christmas, and make the most of it. Time is something we can't get back; we must spend it wisely.
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Want to read more from other writers? Stop by MamaKat's Losin' It!. Please feel free to leave a comment, as well. Tell me what YOU do during the break!

Pardon my tears (Part Seven... [the last for now]) - It's a NEW YEAR!!!!

I needed to take a little break; I'm sure you all understand. (If you don't, please refer to my most recent posts. I'm sure you will understand, after that.)

2014 was the worst year ever. First, our son. Days later, my mother-in-law...

Every month after... at least one or two people close to me. I'm only 44. My friends and people close to me that this is happening/happened to are not old! Everything (almost) is completely unexpected.

I am tired of it all. I am tired of mourning. Of fresh tears. Of opened wounds. I get that "it" will always be there but will get easier. It's just hard. The holidays especially. I cannot write how much I cried. How many tears were shed. But we made the best out of it. We did all that we could.

Me? I stayed super busy. No... I didn't get Christmas cards out. I hardly made any for 2014. I didn't do as much shopping as usual, either. Or decorating. Lots and lots of boxes stayed put in the garage for the season and didn't even get cracked open.

We even forgot to put out the stockings. Eek! Thank goodness for Elfie. He relayed messages to Santa, telling him how "out of it" we were. And that's ok.  It's ok for us to be "off" for a bit. We did put Jr's picture with the kids for the Santa photo...

I won't be posting pictures of our precious photos. Those are mine to cherish and to share with people close to me. I'm trying to stay healthy... and to deal. And so...

We threw a New Year's Eve party.

We NEVER do that. But we had such a crappy year... (it needs to be said... and last year's year end started with our beloved dog dying, and went downhill from there, ending with lots of losses). We know death is a part of life. But OMG! Give us a break. We are accepting and trying to move on. We want to live and cherish the memories, not dwell on the "what if's" and the "why's". They won't be answered.

And so we "partied". We had family and friends come over. And we had fun. We said goodbye to 2014 and kicked that awful year to the curb.

We are now here in 2015. It is a new year. A fresh start. And that is all of that. Welcome to the new year. May it be better than the previous. May we all be healthy and wise for it.

Attempting to write more often, improving myself, learning more, and being more positive are on my list for the year. I'm not saying they are "resolutions", but just something I'd like to do for myself. And if I do it for myself, it will improve everything about and around me. I need positive air surrounding me. I am going to do it.

So watch for it... Today is the second of January (I needed a recupe day, ya know?)... and I plan on being much more present this year. How about you?

And just so you know... Besides taking down most of Christmas today, I actually overhauled a full room! Fresh start! The laundry room is super fresh, now! Watch out world... HERE. I. COME!

Pardon my tears (Part Six)

I go to wake him. I believe this is a nightmare's continuance.

I wish I would wake up. I keep shaking my head. Is this a really bad dream?

He can't believe this is happening, But either. Has happened.

I begin making the phone calls... To his brother. No answer. To his brother's wife. She hands the phone to him, as I ask... Deep. Anguish. NOOOOOOO!!! "My mom?" "NOOOOOOO!!!!"

I then call another brother... This kills me deeply. I speak to him and tell him.

Quickly, we all get ready. I arrange to drop our 9-year-old at my mom's while we handle things at his mom's house. My other daughter and sister are going to continue on to the fundraiser... And again, we have to tell our youngest something crippling.

Remarkably, she handles it well. And I remember another ditty she said to us when we told her about her brother... She said to my husband, "You know what Mommy told me about Xanny, when Xanny died? She said it Xanny dying would prepare me for something much bigger. She was right."

Last December (less than a year ago!), our beloved family dog got really sick. We had been at our own house; it was raining outside; I had kept our pet in during a Girl Scout party. Several people brought younger children, in spite of the "rules" (Girl Scout and registered parent/adult). No worries, right? Wrong. I caught two very small children feeding my sweetheart chocolate (from the chocolate fountain... DARK chocolate from the chocolate fountain. Several. Times.) She (our dog) got really sick. Chocolate (especially DARK chocolate) is toxic to dogs. Since I didn't know exactly how much she had consumed, the vet said we'd just try to see if it passed. I hadn't taken her in right away, so the damage was already lurking... there was nothing we could do. And a little bit over a week later, she left us, howling her last breath at 3am.

I was devastated. We were all devastated. I still tear up, thinking about it...

But never in my mind, when I had to talk to our youngest did I believe I was preparing my child for the tragic death of her BROTHER! and then her GRANDMOTHER!

Bringing us back to the events here... As I leave the house, I get a text from a cousin of my husband... "Why is XXXX posting 'RIP mama' on Facebook?" [Ugh with the Facebook thing again... Granted, I just "posted" services for our son, utilizing the mass powers of Facebook and Instagram. Posting the final services for him and asking those who were tagged to pass it on to others that I may have forgotten or are not on my friends list, reaching out to as many people as possible, giving whoever would like to attend the opportunity to say their final good-byes... pay their respects... cry... have closure... whatever you'd like to call it. I consider myself a pretty fair and equal opportunity person...]

A response via text for this situation is not appropriate, in my mind. And so I make another phone call. During the conversation, it occurs to me most people ask how they can help. Holy Family! That's it. I've already been doing the whole phone call thing... I don't have that much in me now. "Please pass it along to your brothers and sisters, as well..." I ask when asked if she can help. Done.

Wonderful. Helpful family members are just that. Wonderful. I called other cousins and asked if they could do the same. We are almost to my mom's now... dropping off the youngest. My phone calls will probably continue the full ride, between conversations with my husband and bouts of tears. And they do.

We arrive at his mom's house (after dropping off the youngest). There are tons of people there. His mom is still there, lying there. Waiting for her ride away from home. After a couple of hours, the mortuary FINALLY comes. It is insane. People rush the house before she is even down the driveway.

My heart breaks. I cannot believe people are like this. I hustle people out. We will handle this later.

Pardon my tears (Part Five)

July 31 - He is gone. He is still on breathing machines. But... he is no longer with us. We've already said our good-byes and know there is nothing more than to bring deep sorrow on more. We all need to strengthen ourselves, as we know it's not the end. It never will be.

On Saturday, the harvest is over. It is done. The machines are no longer supporting him and he is released to the coroner. (So cold...)

There is a whole boatload full of emotional and verbal drama that happens when someone dies. Between the cremation versus burial and other final decisions, it really sucks. I sure couldn't imagine it all. But it happened to us/me. There is so much more when it is a blended family, it's impossible to fathom. And even without a blended family, when parents are divorced, if the other parent takes over... One gets left out. In the dark.

Sometimes, people cry for attention. They seem to make a death about them, and not the person who died. Of course... more drama ensues, and we all try to handle it. Emotions are raging. They are not pretty. And with all of our tear-stained faces, neither are we.

Skipping some of it... It seems like I am being biased or underspoken, I'm sure. Don't worry. I'm not. I just need (for me) to understand and know that some people may be reading this that are participants. No... they will never see themselves as monstrous or verbally abusive, or hateful, so I'll just go with this. I just don't want to stir up more drama NOW. So... we'll jump to a bit later, as I also don't want to re-stir up the anger and frustration within me again...

There have been fundraisers to support the final services... and I am preparing baked goods for a food fundraiser on Saturday, August 9th...

A little bit before 9am, my cell rings. It is the mom. I think, "I am rushing the best I can. Dang it. It doesn't even start until 2pm!!!" Only... She tells me I need to wake my husband; his mother has died.

Unbelievable. Only 9 days after his son. And now his mom? No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We haven't even had time to heal. And my heart breaks more.

Pardon my tears (Part Four)

The girls aren't long either. We all quietly cry as we go back to the car... There just are no words.

There are questions. Questions that will never be answered. And for that... I have regrets. Now, we just wait.

We still have my youngest with us and my two nephews...

We are at the circus... It's supposed to be a happy time. A happy place. Before noon, texts start exploding on our phones. It is done. He has been pronounced. For the sake of the little kids with us... we clap. We try to smile. I can't wait to get outside again, so I can wear sunglasses... The tools that allow me to cry and not be seen.

[Why is it when someone dies, people run to Facebook? Let the families have privacy... Since July 26th, I am rarely on any type of social media. I don't want people to ask me questions. I am tired of repeating the same thing. Telling the same thing. It hurts. It's one thing to see/have the people directly involved (i.e. the parents or siblings) say something, but for everyone (including those who didn't/don't know the whole story) to just start bombing the social media world with private things... wow. Everyone grieves in a different way. I get it. But... for those that just post. to get attention. Or to  be the first to spread say something. Just. Wow. I don't get it.]

Now that he's really gone, it rips through me. It's hard to contain my grief. But I keep trying.

We decide it's best for everyone in our little group to not do anything else after the circus and just return to Mom's.

It's a really sad time. Only sad... just doesn't begin to describe the intensity of the feelings I have. I am at a loss. Not only at a loss for words. A loss of mind. A loss of heart. A loss of space. A loss of time. A loss of everything I feel like I've ever known. I don't know how I should feel. What's "acceptable".

It was pushed upon him that "I" was not his mother. For years. No. I did not give birth to him. This is true. I loved him just the same. I love each of my children unconditionally. Equally.

So... to hell with it. It is ok for me to feel this huge emotional void within me. It swells with anger sometimes. It swells with pain. It beats with a rhythmic emptiness that pumps itself up to devour me. I cry in anguish. I cry alone.

And I know it couldn't be worse. But I am wrong.

Pardon my tears (Part Three)

My husband hasn't seen the doctor yet. But... he did ask a nurse why there were no longer restraints on our son. The nurse said simply, "He is comatose."

Wow. Thanks for letting us know (at the other hospital). Thanks for basically LYING to us. Thanks for... being chickenshit.

It's still July 30. I'm still waiting. We are back at my mom's now. I've already talked to some health professionals in my family who have prepared me for the worst.

The worst being... Drano is what it is. It's a corrosive acid. It destroys. Going down... it dissolved a lot... If you look at a bottle of Drano, it will tell you, "DO NOT INDUCE VOMITING. CONTACT POISON CONTROL IF CONSUMED." Words to live by. Vomiting it up, probably destroyed what was left.

My husband comes. I have no words. It is the worst feeling ever.

When my dad had cancer and was terminal (1990's), we knew. We were as prepared as we could be. And it hurt. a lot.

When my husband's dad had cancer and was terminal (2004-2005), we knew. We were as prepared as we could be. And it hurt. a lot.

When this happens to our CHILD. My children's oldest BROTHER. A kid I've known since he was 9. A child I've loved since I've known him. A child who used to tell me "secrets" about his life (and I'd relay those to protect him). OUR CHILD, who is a part of our family. Part of our heart. Part of our lives.

My husband tells me it's decided. There is no brain activity. He has been comatose and will not come out of it. The machines will be turned off. And we will let him drift off... to... forever...

He did put that donor dot on his driver's license. (Thank you, Jr...) He will be a donor and will help someone else to live on.

My heart breaks. I am in immense pain. I have already told the adult children. We need to tell our 9-year-old.

She knows he is hurt and is fighting. She knows he drank something he shouldn't have. What do I tell a 9-year-old? There is no one to help us. The nurses at Kaiser have no answers. I race to the internet to help... I have so many questions of my own. "Did you MEAN to do this?" "WHY????" "Were you in pain?" "Were we not parents enough?" I realize I am turning it back to me... instead of what to tell her... our 9-year-old. I find information on not using words like "sleeping". Just be straight-forward and matter of fact in the gentlest way possible.

We tell her... it nearly kills us. And she shocks us by telling us she will help take care of us. She is hurt. But she knows her brother wouldn't want her to dwell. Her only request is to see him to say goodbye.

I am so lucky and thankful my brother and his wife have come (after their visit to our son) to tell their children, so I am not burdened with this, as well. Small favors are REALLY huge.

The next morning, there is no circus at Kaiser. Maybe because everyone already knows. Or maybe because we are here at 5:30 in the morning.

I speak to one of the nurses. I explain that his little sister would like to come and say goodbye. they refuse and tell me the rules are 12 and older ONLY. No exceptions. My baby doesn't get to say goodbye... My heart breaks for her.

The older girls, my sister and I have come without her. We go to say our goodbyes.  It is worse than last night. I can only stay a couple of minutes, as I begin to crack. I look at that face.

How horrible that everything within the past 16-1/2 years runs through me. I remember him hugging me. Asking me to stay. Wanting to know when he can see us again. I remember him fighting with me. Telling me he hated me. I remember him telling me he loved me. He told me thank you for his baby sister. He said thank you for everything I'd done. I remember the last two times we'd seen him.

Father's Day. Family Reunion. No. He did not seem happy. He seemed controlled by another. A puppet on a string. He was trying to please someone who couldn't be pleased. He was with us, but not with us. And that was the last we saw of him. A week after the Family Reunion, that fateful shot was taken. It wasn't alcohol. It was Drano.

I listen to the machines as they wheeze, breathe, and whine... He still looks the same. I reach out to hold his hand. It's so warm. How can this be happening?

The nurse walks up to my sister and I (Kaiser only allows two in at a time... hmmm...) and asks if we know the situation. We say, "Yes." She says, "Good. I just wanted to make sure." Nothing else was offered.

I listen again. I reach out to stroke his cheek. The stubble has grown in... I can take no more. I lower my head and kiss him on the cheek. I tell him, "I love you, Jr" and give him a hug. With tears pouring down my face, I walk out... and hear the steady humming, the rise and fall of the breathing machine, and the blips of the heart monitor... It is painful.

Pardon my tears (Part Two)

If you just read my last post... you may think that I'm leading you on. Really, I'm not. You can ask anybody who really truly knows me. I don't do that.

I'm not trying to be cryptic. I'm just trying to be able to get it out. And my story makes me cry. I cry every time I think about it.

Getting back to the end of my (our) summer...

July 26th... It is a beautiful early morning. I've gotten up early to go to Summer Junior Olympics (me = swim ref/official). I get a call from one of my daughters (my husband's daughter, to be exact). She cries and tells me to wake up her dad, that she can't get ahold of him. His son (age 25) has consumed Drano, "a drunken accident" and is in the hospital. She and her mom are on their way.

OMG. A flurry of thoughts running through my mind. This shit destroys things. It eats unclogs drains. It devours takes care of clumps of hair, grease... anything blocking a drain.

And all the time, I'm calmly waking my sleeping husband. Bringing him his ultimate nightmare. Something tragic has happened. We are helpless.

I talk to him... tell him... We decide it is best for me NOT to go. The ex is always full of drama... has been for years, and never understands MY way of thinking. To me... it's not where they (children) come from. I love them all equally. And with this current situation, the less drama, the better the recovery.

I go on to the swim meet... keeping my phone open for updates. My senior meet official has been notified and is very understanding. I can leave whenever I need to. (The  people I work with on a pool deck are all family to me. We encourage and support each other in every way, shape, and form. I feel very loved on a pool deck.)

Update at noon... He is subdued. They have given him medication to help him heal. (We have also found out that he (son) decided, "This shit tastes nasty!" and induced his own vomiting. [OMG! Don't tell me this!!! It just makes my vision and thoughts worse!] He is now in ICU, and they will check on him frequently.

A whole boatload of people is there. They are constantly going in and out of his room. No... not just immediate family. Like EVERYONE. This makes my decision NOT to go even more substantiated.

My feeling on ICU... I've been there. Really truly. Even though I was "unconscious", I could hear EVERYTHING. It was hard to get sleep. Hearing everybody talk. The whispers were just as loud. So were the footsteps. I used to think, "Just go away, so I can sleep!!!!" So... to me, ICU means LEAVE THE PATIENT ALONE SO HE OR SHE CAN RECUPERATE. Yep. That about says it, leaving out the expletives which if you know me... are really in there at least a couple of times. I don't believe ICU should be a circus.

The patient has been through enough drama and doesn't need more. Look at it this way... If you are sick, maybe you have a cold. It gets a little worse. You start taking medicine for it. It gets a little better... slowly. But... you take a nice long-and-restful sleep. And voila! You're almost back to new! You needed the rest. Your body, mind and soul needed it all. And that's what helped make you better. Right?

And so... If EVERYONE is there and keeps going in and out... they are NOT contributing to the patient's healing. And can, in fact, be making it much worse.

I want him to heal. To get better. To open his eyes and see us all.

Every day... we hear different things. I finally tell my husband NOT to listen to anyone else, but the doctor. I am tired of all the non-professional conclusions. People giving false information. It is aggravating and makes me feel anxious. It comes with ups and downs. So... I will no longer listen to what other people are telling him. Only the doctors. I'm going crazy with all of the speculation and pretense. Ugh!!!!

My husband continues to go everyday. My mother-in-law asks my husband when I'm coming. He tells her my opinions of visitors in the ICU (see above). [Don't get me wrong. I really do care about our son. I refuse to be part of the dramatic circus. If there were less people there, and they only allowed immediate family to go in... I'd go.] The hospital in Huntington Park allows the circus to continue. So I won't be part of it. My MIL tells my husband she is afraid what others might say.

Me? I don't give a crap what everybody else thinks and says. I already know what people do... they make it about THEM. Not about the patient. If they did make it about the patient, um... they wouldn't bug the patient. Duh.

And there is hope. "They" haven't told us anything different. We are waiting for an open bed at a Kaiser facility. "They" tell us he is sedated to help him heal and so his pain is bearable.

We've learned some other things. Alcohol and an argument were involved. Most everyone blames the girlfriend. I'd say more, but... I only know one side of things. I do know that ANY time he was with us (i.e., Father's Day, Family Reunion, etc.), the girlfriend chose not to come. And then... she would call and text him all. the. time. She did not let him be with his family. And the phone calls. She would yell (yes. I heard her voice!) and threaten to end "it" if he didn't do what she asked. Two specific days of time he was supposed to be with his family (to which she could have come, mind you...). Two days of nagging. The only two days we see him in the past month...

July 30... in the wee hours of the morning... He is transferred to a Kaiser facility in Downey. Yay!!!!

I'm now at my mom's. We are trying to go about as much as "normal" for the younger kids. And we had a staycation planned for all of my mom's grandchildren. The oldest two (one in the hospital now, and one staying vigil) had declined many of the things we are going to do. It is Wednesday... and we are laying on the grass at Soak City... I am constantly checking my phone. The doctor is wants to talk to my husband and his ex. I feel ill. But I am faking it.

I wait... and wait...

Pardon my tears...

This summer (at least towards the end), was the worst summer of my life. So much... and it seems so long ago. People often ask me questions. And it's really hard for me to answer them.

Sometimes, I do... and sometimes I morph into this cold person. Emotionless. Spewing out facts and things that actually happened. It's the only way I can seem to not do the other thing I do.

Sometimes I do... and sometimes I shed waterfalls of tears and can't get through a complete sentence without heaving. I know nobody can understand me when I do this.

So I try really hard to do the first one. I don't care what anybody thinks (about this)... what anybody says... or how anybody might see me. I know who I am. I know I am a loving, caring person. I know that I still love. and I still care.

Everyday, life changes. We often don't see it. It's subtle... like a soft erosion of the water to the earth. It laps and laps... and we think it's soft and cute. And then we notice a itty bitty difference. Where did that patch of grass go? Wasn't it greener last year? No matter how much we want it to stop, it just keeps going. Before we know it, there are more changes.

And that is life. And I cry...

This Christmas, So Far...

First off... Wow. Do not leave a bottle of wine in the freezer. I mean... um... wine-slush sounds wonderful, but not when it's all over your precious frozen foods. Ick. It is rather sticky and definitely messy. (I didn't know someone had even put it in there. Wonder who that could be???? Hmmm???

So... the morning I found the popped bottle of wine... I drove to the Los Angeles area (City of Commerce) to work a swim meet. I am a swim official/referee (in addition to many other things). This wonderfully packaged building was my view from outside the swim center.

To many of you fabulous architectural history buffs out there, this building used to be the Good Year Tire Factory... way back when. It was left empty for YEARS. I used to go to the area surrounding it to get reduced-price fabric from the textile manufacturers. Then I didn't go for a while... After a couple of years, I went back. Um... Where did they go? And what the heck? This gorgeous building (it had lots of almost Egyptian-looking detailing) was now foaming at the entrances. Alright, so they took away my beloved great-pricing, but they creating a mecca of an outlet center. The Citadel now stands proud (and is always busy!) and is "present"-ed every Christmas season. Isn't it a grand sight to behold?

Christmas is here... Spread the CHEER! Open a Coca-Cola. Anyone who knows me super duper well, knows I love Coke. The Real Thing. Not diet. Not cherry-flavored. And I love the Coca-Cola merchandise, too! Not the neon-colored stuff. Just the classic. The Real Thing... similar to the beverage itself. Santa and Polar Bear Coca-Cola stuff comes out in my house at Christmastime, though... And my friend had me open a gift early. She wanted me to enjoy it for the full season. Now... if only our weather would get out of the 80's and go back to December! Ugh...

I made some Christmas cards. Like you couldn't tell, right? They are the same angel from Cricut Christmas that I made the ornaments with, only I left all the scrolling, and didn't block any out. I also made them a little bigger, spread embossing ink, and sprinkled Ranger's Queens Gold all over before heating. I love it.

Inside, I stamped with a brilliant green...

And I just had to show off the "cloud" Corner Chomper, which I inked the edges of...

Wow. This picture's sure blurry... Oh shoot! Almost all of them are... Ugh! I embossed the "Peace on Earth" (what else should an angel be saying?) with the same Queen's Gold, just in the corner.

Then the following weekend... I went to Palm Springs. for another? What? You guessed it. Swim meet. This is my shaky view on the way at 6am and I wasn't even the one driving. Go figure! But the colors were phenomenal, so I kept the pic anyway. Deal.

In Palm Springs, when we have this HUGE meet (swimmers come from ALL over!), they feed us like a 5-Star restaurant. (Yes... that IS lobster...) Thank you, Piranhas Swim Team for always treating us the best!

Funny story... I got a parka (after almost 8 years of freezing and getting drenched in the rain and the cold and the hail and the... you get it...) for a combo of my birthday and Christmas (shout out to my Mom and John... THANK YOU!!!). This was the first meet I wore it. (Yes... it can get cold in Palm Springs. There is snow on the mountain just above, and when the sun goes over that mountain... BRRRRR!!!!) The arms are a tad long. I was cold. And so, I tucked my hands inside the sleeves. Now the joke is... can I flap and fly? So... someone brought a Foghorn Leghorn (Looney Tunes, ya'll... REMEMBER?) hat, put it on me and asked me to flap. Meh... I'm a good sport.

Me and one of my buddies. I am so proud of him. Cancer did not do him in. His spirit is exceptional and shines through in everything he does. Last round of chemo is done. I heart him!

And this is only part of our crew. We are very much like a family. Hugs to all of them. They come from everywhere for this meet. And for those that think we just "time". No. We are all over the deck, ensuring the kids will learn from their errors and advance further in swimming (a nice way of saying, "we disqualify kids").

I haven't had much time for crafting and shopping. I did get a whole bunch of cards done (just haven't gotten them out yet... or even addressed... And thank goodness for the internet and local shops, otherwise, nothing would be done just yet. Christmas is almost here, and the days are packed until then, too. Hugs to you all! Ho, ho, ho! No matter what... Be Merry. It's all in how you look at it.

** small note ** Blogger isn't letting me adjust sizes of pics or locations, so please bear with it. Hopefully it's just a minor bug and will get fixed soon.

Hurting... In More Than One Way...

Life gives us difficulties. Sometimes they are physical, sometimes mental... and sometimes, you get them all rolled up into one.

And we roll with it.

*Sigh*

I try my hardest to do everything I can do, no matter how I'm feeling. I try my hardest to be strong and let no one see my weaknesses.

The past week, my weaknesses have been showing...

A bit ago, I "hurt" my shoulder/arm... the whole shebang.  I was doing something completely normal. I was telling my husband what to do. You know... SHOWING him what I meant, because... well... Husbands aren't always the best at listening.  But I was going off to work, and well... he asked. So... reaching up (and walking, mind you...) to open a cabinet (to show him the bowing shelf), I slipped on water (the dog had dropped it off her beard when taking a drink...), heard the tear [totally hoping my mind emphasized it more than it really is], fell to my *ss and was immediately in pain.

The searing shot through my shoulder and the top portion of my arm. I swear, I felt it all the way to the bone. But... guess what? I had to leave in less than 15 minutes and still wasn't dressed!

So... I enlisted the help of my 19yo daughter.  I couldn't take my shirt off. She gingerly helped me. Couldn't fasten my bra... and she did that, too. (I hate getting help. It kills me.) And I needed my hair in a ponytail. Thank goodness she was there, and hadn't gone out yet, because... Yes... you guessed it. She did that, too.

The drive kinda killed me. I am right-handed. An auto is pretty much right-handed (the shift is above the steering column on the right side; the ignition is on the right side...). So, ice pack in hand... I got there.

My job for that day/weekend was pretty stationary. (I'm a swim official [referee... whatever you wanna call it] that watches swim strokes, finishes, etc. and disqualifies based on infractions. There's really much more to it than that, but I really don't wanna go bore you. I love it.) The pool was short-course (25 yards, as opposed to long-course of 50 meters), and one side couldn't be "walked", so each of the officials on the corners stayed on the corner(s). I was good for the weekend, work-wise. My issues were going to be at home.

I have a lot of responsibilities. I do hand out "chores", but only I feel what is fair and what they each have time for with work, school, etc.

My daughter made sure she was there both Saturday and Sunday mornings to help me get ready. Each day, I was able to do just a little bit more. A couple pain-killers here, some ice packs there, with a touch of Icy-Hot in between, and I believed I was doing better.

But... the dishes were piling up. The floor wasn't getting done. Amongst other things. (by the way... as I sit here typing this, I have to lower the laptop down farther than normal for it to be comfortable...)

I did make a couple of requests and comments, asking for help with the dishes. To no avail. My husband simply won't do it, and doesn't understand (call it an ego trip... I do...) My 8yo doesn't do them as well as I'd like... and I'm kinda picky (rightfully so, right? we eat off this stuff...). And my 19yo? She simply did ONLY the dishes she used (which is ACTUALLY a normal thing each of them are supposed to do... but I usually have to tell each of them anyway, which irritates the crap out of me!), which were about 2 or 3 in a whole pile. I gave up... and did the dishes.

So painful and so taxing was that small-ish normal-type chore, that I slept off and on most of the day. I was still exhausted the next day. And in massive pain. My range-of-motion (rom) was getting better... but...

I let the dishes go again. Only doing them when they had to be done. And paying for it later. I also did the laundry this week. (That took WAY longer than normal!) When it was trash day... between me and the kids, we each have a share. The 8yo empties my bathroom and room, and her own room. I take out the laundry, recycles in the kitchen, and the garage trash. The 19yo takes out the other bathroom and kitchen trash. We all help with the "big" cans to the street. I sent a text to the 19yo, asking her to do mine and take out the big cans. There was no way I could lift stuff that high. My rom wasn't that high yet (and still isn't). No problem there... it was done.

But... I had asked for more help. And I keep getting brushed off on the rest of it.

What did me in was a combo of yesterday and today (this morning). It has brought me to tears.

Yesterday, I got the 8yo and myself a pedicure. The 19yo wanted a gel manicure. Okay. We deserve it. They've been sort of helping me... The 19yo was supposed to cut up a pineapple and watermelon for me, as I can't do that just yet, either.

I reminded her as she got in the car that she was still needed to do this. "I won't have time now." uh... WHAT? I let her know she could do at least one. She did. But... left the dishes for ME and had extra time but blew me off again.

Then, this morning... The 19yo is leaving (and hasn't done her regular weekly chore of cleaning the bathroom and putting away her clothes...). She says she's going to her boyfriend's house before work (he lives with his parents, too). That's no biggie but... She tells me, "I'm going to help him clean. He has relatives coming and can't do it himself." SERIOUSLY?

I reminded her that I've been asking for help, that I'm in a lot of pain... and she walked away from me with an immature, "Whatever..."

Ouch. That hurts almost as much as my right arm/shoulder.

Moral of the story? Since no one really wants to help, don't get hurt. Then you can still do everything yourself and get no attitude for it.